New Hipper And Cooler IRS Moves Tax Deadline From April 15th To April 18th Because They Don’t Want to Ruin Everybody’s Friday

IRS Logo Enamel Pin

Not only is the IRS more conscious of your weekend they have slightly tweaked their logo. They are selling enameled pins of this new logo in their Etsy shop.

Washington, DC—You may have noticed this tax season that you have a couple extra days to file your taxes. Instead of panicking to get your paperwork done by April 15th this year, the Internal Revenue Service has pushed back the deadline to Monday, April 18th, in an effort “so as not to be a buzz kill or totally bum people out on Friday. It’s Friday, man.”

This isn’t your father’s IRS. It seems to be a much more laid back tax man nowadays. Could it be because so many of the employees now are Millennials? Could it be that the Feds have more important things to worry about? It appears to be a little of both.

“Bruh, it’s an election year, and the cat who’s in the White House ain’t running,” said second-year IRS accountant Kyle Whitman. “Nobody is paying any attention to us. It’s freaking awesome.This place is finally a cool place to be. Finally.”

“Usually, at this time of the year, we’re going nuts. Totally, freaking nuts,” echoed Travis Cendrowski, who has worked for the IRS since 2011. “But I haven’t been in the building before 9:30 in like five months. And this old dude I work with, he came in late the whole week last week ’cause he was home watching the Masters. It’s crazy. But it’s kind of awesome.”

Many employees said they’re confident that this new paradigm is here to stay, and they are more than open to the change. They said they believe it is about time for a new reputation in a new century.

Other sources have confirmed the agency is looking creating an official, more-friendly sounding motto that will reflect their new, chill attitude. “Some people were saying it would be but something really dumb or unoriginal like, ‘Keep calm and deduct on,’ or ‘Hakuna Matata,'” said Whitman. “I was gonna vote for my personal favorite, which is ‘The IRS: We won’t harsh your mellow.'”

TDQ Tech For The Week Of 10/8/12

The GrinderyThis week’s TDQ Tech goes all political with a piece about what each candidate would do for you about spawn camping and a piece that finally puts to rest the controversy about Kung-fu Panda and WoW Mists of Pandaria.

We don’t like panda. They’re glory hounds. And they take way too long to have babies. Or Cubs. Whatever. It’s not natural.

You are now technologically informed. Go and do likewise.

Al Gore Reportedly “Quietly Seething” Over DNC Snub

Al Gore

A rare glimpse inside Gore’s TV room when he realized he was not invited to the DNC.

New York—Former Vice President and 2000 Presidential nominee Al Gore put on a brave face when it came to him not getting an invite to the 2012 Democratic National Convention last week in Charlotte. But people close to the Oscar winner said privately, he was actually “as angry as I’ve seen him in years, maybe decades, but all under the surface.”

Gore’s friends have told The Daily Quarterly that at first, Gore thought his invention, the internet, was working improperly, and his e-mail from the Democratic National Committee had not been delivered. But after a few calls (many of which were not returned), Gore learned he would be persona non grata at the convention.

“He cried for a few hours,” one friend said. “He cradled his Oscar and sobbed for a while, then he ate some organic cheesecake, watched ‘Love Actually’ on Showtime and felt a little better. But he was definitely hurt. Then he got mad.”
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Poll: American Flag Pins Prove Citizenship

American Flag Pins

With American flag pins effectively implying citizenship they have become a hot commodity on the black market.

Washington, DC—In a recent non-scientific poll, 86% of Americans who responded said they believe that anyone wearing one of those little American flag pins is “in all likelihood” a natural born citizen of the U.S.

When also asked about the citizenship of President Obama, 95% of that 86% believe the President was not born in the U.S., with 79% responding he was most likely born in the “nation of Africa.”

“I’ve never seen Osama [Obama] wearin’ an American flag pin,” stated John Bithlo, 54, of Columbus, Texas. “And nobody I know has ever seen him wearing one. Tell me, why do you think that is?? I’ll tell you why, it ‘cuz he tweren’t born here!!”
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New Allegations Of Overdue Library Books May Bring Down More Secret Service Agents

Secret Service

This image, obtained by The Daily Quarterly in a poker game, shows Secret Service members heading out of El Paso with more than their fair share of books with no additional visits to El Paso scheduled for the President in the two week return period.

Washington, D.C.—A U.S. government official familiar with the Secret Service confirmed yesterday to government investigators that agents have made missteps in the past but was quick to defend the government’s internal review process.

“We have had employees that have engaged in misconduct,” the official said. “People make mistakes.”

He said it’s to be expected, given the 147-year history of the Secret Service.
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