Category Archives: Sports

“Suspended” Ohio State Football Coach Had Plenty Of Other Career Options If University Had Found The Guts To Actually Hold Him Accountable And Fire Him

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Urban Meyer

Urban Meyer: Full of bologna?

Columbus, OH—A source close to the current head football coach at Ohio State University (for you Buckeye fans out there, we know how you refer to the school. Don’t worry.) has told The Daily Quarterly that even though it was possible, somehow that he may have been fired after the farcical “investigation” into his knowledge of how horrible a person Zach Smith appears to be, he really didn’t lose much sleep over it, as he knew he had lots of other job options available to him thanks to his vast network of contacts and connections. 

“He was sweating it a little, sure,” the source said. “But only a little, because of the hassle and the fact he may have to pack up and move to another, though likely bigger, house. But he was in no way, shape or form concerned that any findings of his ‘bosses’ (air-quotes) would negatively impact him in any way, shape or form.”

The source also said that there were any number of other jobs that the coach could get with just a phone call, including politician, news broadcaster or college basketball coach. The coach “is quite close (to) and very good friends with Brian Williams, and they spoke pretty much daily during his time off. He also had connections with numerous politicians, not only in Ohio, but Florida and Utah as well, where he crossed paths with a number of state senators and governors and other lifelong politicians. And many, many of them have said that he would fit in seamlessly in their world. He could fun for just about any office anywhere in the country and be successful.” 

The report released by the “investigators” helped support recent “mis-remembrances” and “half-truths” and whatnot, by confirming they didn’t think he “knowingly lied.” The source said the coach may have had a hand in that particular language. “He long ago came to terms with the fact that there was absolutely no room in his life for integrity, compassion or morals. Winning is all that matters, and he’s in the right place for that frame of mind. He’s fine. Courtney Smith didn’t help him win games. Bottom line.” 

Good Lord, Steve Bartman Just Cannot “Catch” A Break: Poor Bastard Bungles Ring Exchange In Celebration Ceremony

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Bartman Ring

As the story goes Bartman reached for the ring early as it was being presented where it fell into an electric space heater which was set to high to compensate for the room’s faulty air conditioner thermostat. The ring shorted out the heater and arcwelded itself into a puddle of melted gold.

Chicago— It was deja vu all over again Monday for infamous Chicago Cubs fan Steve Bartman as the hapless, poor son of a bitch bungled and ultimately dropped a World Series souvenir ring in a ceremony where the team was giving its most hated, controversial fan some love in the form of some bling. 

Witnesses to the incident conferring upon Bartman his own 2016 World Series Championship ring confirmed reports that Bartman juggled the ring as it was being handed to him, ultimately dropping the ring and destroying it, in exactly the same manner that he destroyed the Cubs’ hopes for a pennant in 2003.  

“I wouldn’t have believed it if I didn’t see it myself,” Cubs executive Theo Epstein said. “After all these years, he finally comes back to be with the team after his horrible, detestable actions in the Championship Series back in ’03, and the poor bastard does it all over again, dropping the damn ring like a hot potato. I swear to God, if he had been wearing a set of headphones and that ridiculous turtle neck, it would be like October ’03 all over again. Geez. Poor bastard.”

Sources also confirmed that former Cubs left fielder Moises Alou was in the background at the ceremony. bemoaning the dropping of the ring, and berating Bartman as he jumped up and down in anger. 

Bartman had for years declined invitations from the team to come back and enjoy a live Cubs game in person at Wrigley Field, and did not participate in the World Series parade help last fall, despite being asked to attend. It is unclear if he required an armed escort leaving the ring ceremony, as he did in 2003 after dropping a foul ball after idiotically reaching out and literally snatching the ball from poor innocent Moises Alou’s grasp, and shattering all hopes of a Cubs World Series win 14 long seasons ago.

Sources: House Staff Says Tiger Woods Doing Just Fine As Normal, Everyday, Typical Stay-At-Home Dad

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Tiger Woods At Home

Dozens of Tiger Woods staff members will tell you he lives just like a regular guy.

Jupiter Island, FL—Anonymous sources close to the live-in staff who work with pro golfer Tiger Woods have told  The Daily Quarterly that the oft-injured Woods, who is recovering from yet another surgery on his back from 2015, has adapted “relatively well, all things considered,” to being a regular stay at home dad.

“A lot of men, when they can’t earn a living the way they’re used to doing it, they have a really hard time adjusting to life at home, all day every day,” said an associate of one of Woods’ valets. “But Tiger really has adapted pretty well. It was really a surprise.”

Woods, who reports say flew around the world on private jets and stayed in luxury hotels while playing on the world’s best golf courses, has been able to adjust to not having tournament officials and caddies wait on him hand and foot, said a good friend of Wood’s live-in butler.

“He gets up early, just like he did when he worked,” said the source. “He makes sure the nanny gets the kids up and fed, and then he and the chauffeur get the kids off to school.” The source also said that Woods “makes sure the cook has the kids’ lunches packed and ready for their tutor to carry for them at school.”

And Woods isn’t content to just sit around watching soap operas all day. “He gets some work in on his golf projects since he can’t go out and practice 16 hours a day like he did 12, 15 years ago. Woods will video conference with the staff of his course design company if he isn’t able to fly to Dubai or Monte Carlo if he has the kids that week. Just like any other good dad.”

“The one guilty pleasure he does have is watching ‘Maury’ every afternoon,” the source said. “He’ll watch it with just a housekeeper or two, sometimes the gardener, in his 40-seat theater room on the 200-inch projection TV. Just like your typical dad, he loves seeing if the dudes on there are indeed the baby-daddies or not. He really digs that. Sometimes he’ll mention that he knows one of the women on the show, too. It’s hilarious. Then he’s really happy when the dude is found out to be the daddy. He laughs and laughs and laughs when that happens.”

Manti Te’o Backs Up Kurt Busch’s Claim That His Ex-girlfriend Was A Trained Assassin

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Kurt Busch with Patricia Driscoll

Te’o was unable to produce a photo of himself with his girlfriend Kurt Busch and Patricia Driscoll but we were able to find this photo of the two returning from a date.

San Diego—Count San Diego Charger player Manti Te’o as somebody who is on the side of NASCAR driver Kurt Busch shortly after Busch testified in court last Tuesday that his former girlfriend, Patricia Driscoll, was a trained killer for the US government.

Te’o told reporters yesterday that he has gone on “numerous double dates with Kurt and his girl in the past, and she has mentioned on several occasions that she was a hired killer taking out bad guys for the CIA.”

Te’o said that he and his former girlfriend Lennay Kekua met Busch and Driscoll through mutual friends of Kekua, and he found her tales of international intrigue and espionage “quite exciting,” and he had “no reason whatsoever not to believe” Driscoll as she regaled Busch, Te’o and Driscoll over dinners, movies and walks on the beach.

Te’o said he was sad to see that Busch and Driscoll had parted ways, and thought that they had made a cute couple during the times he and Kekua would go on vacations and couples cruises with them.

“I remember staying up late talking with Lennay and we both said how perfect Kurt and Patty were for each other,” Te’o said. “I can only shake my head.”

But in the end, Te’o said he found a way to be philosophical about the fragile nature of love. It’s a subject he knows a little about, after all.

“It’s sad,” Te’o said. “You hate to see any relationship end, especially when a couples’ careers get in the way. But I guess when you have one partner who risks their life driving around a circle at 260 miles an hour, and another partner who flies off all over the world at a moment’s notice snuffing out political targets, it just puts too much of a strain on the couple.” Continue reading →

NCAA Investigating Report That FSU’s Jameis Winston Assaulted FSU President With A Turkey On Thanksgiving

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Thanksgiving Kerfuffle

This alleged Instagram photo shows the alleged turkey thrown, allegedly, by Jameis Winston at alleged FSU president John Thrasher.

Tallahassee—Various sources, including, but not limited to, the New York Times reported last night that the NCAA is investigating accusations that Florida State University quarterback Jameis Winston is in hot water once again after he struck university President John Thrasher “on or about the head, neck and shoulders” with a turkey during Thanksgiving dinner at Thrasher’s home.

Mark Emmert, current NCAA president, issued a statement that said, in part, “To be quite honest, this really presents a myriad of issues and possible violations on both the university’s part and the student-athlete’s.” Emmert didn’t say how this latest blemish on Winston’s record would affect the team’s bowl bid. The statement went on, “On the one hand, one has to wonder why the school’s quarterback would be at the home of the school president for a meal, regardless of whether that meal is Thanksgiving or not. Then, there is the allegation that the student-athlete allegedly attacked said university president with what has been described as a ten or fifteen pound turkey. And yet still more witnesses have said that gravy and stuffing was involved. We’re still looking into that.”

Florida State is looking to repeat last year’s championship season, and some fans have accused the NCAA and media outlets for unfairly targeting the program.

“Some accounts say Mr. Winston hopped up on the dinner table and shouted obscenities prior to striking Mr. Thrasher,” Emmert said. “Yet other accounts say that Mr. Winston walked into the residence, went to the rear of the home and took a bag of the turkey and then left the property without saying anything, then he hit the president with the turkey when he wouldn’t get out of his way quickly enough for his liking. And still another account said that Mr. Winston autographed dozens of turkeys, which is an NCAA violation, before hitting Mr. Thrasher with one of the turkeys.”

Calls seeking comments from Winston’s camp were not immediately returned. Fortunately for the Seminoles, they have an off week this Saturday, they only have to play the Florida Gators. Continue reading →