Category Archives: News

Oregon Governor To Overturn Law Allowing Drivers To Pump Their Own Gas After Rash Of Deaths From People Bursting Into Flames

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Gasoline self-pumping disaster in Oregon

It seems Oregonians just weren’t ready to pump their own gas.

Salem, OR— Kate Brown (D), governor of Oregon, said last week that she would be striking down a recent law that went into effect January 1st that allowed some Oregon residents to pump their own gas after hundreds of deaths resulting from drivers incorrectly filling their tanks.

The law came to an end June 1st, but not before nearly 5,000 Oregon residents burst into flames at gas pumps around the state. 

“Never in my worst nightmares did I ever think so many people would lose their lives this way,” a visibly shaken Brown said. “The carnage that this law, this horrible, terrible law brought forth…I’ll be forced to live with the terror this law has wrought for the rest of my life…”

It is unknown exactly how many immolation deaths occur in the state each year on average, but Brown conceded that number “skyrocketed” during the first five months of 2018.

“They were right,” Brown said of the critics who felt the law was a bad idea. “They were so, so right. God help me, they were right and I was wrong. People in Oregon clearly just aren’t meant to pump their own gas. How in holy hell does the rest of the country do it?” New Jersey is currently the only other state in the U.S. that does not allow motorists to pump their own gas.

The worst day for gas pump deaths came on March 17, when 242 people, more than one every six minutes, caught on fire and burned to death while trying to fill up their cars. That day also saw 48 gas stations destroyed.

Brown did not answer questions about whether she would be resigning as governor. “My only focus right now is preventing these senseless deaths and protecting the vulnerable people of the great state of Oregon,” she said. “It’s obvious they need me more than ever right now.”

Teachers Fear For Literacy Of Elementary School Students Thanks To Pizza Hut’s BOOK IT! Program

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BookIt Then

In the days of peak Pizza Hut a combination of innovative architecture, delicious pan pizza, and inviting marketing materials were a great incentive to read.

Plano, TX—The nasty, horrible, disgusting, awful quality over the past few years of Pizza Hut pizza is finally having a disastrous effect on young peoples’ literacy, as more and more students across the country are refusing to read, protesting the “prize” of a personal pan pizza from the pizza chain for reading books as part of the BOOK IT! reading program. Educators across the country have expressed their concerns about the future of reading as they witness children reject the program itself.

The BOOK IT! program started in 1984, and according to the propaganda on their website, 14 million children suffer from their horrendous pizza annually.  

“It’s sad, really, and I’m really very concerned, honestly,” said 4th grade teacher Janelle Howard. “I get it, though. Don’t get me wrong. I refuse to eat their pizza, too. I’d rather drink drain de-clogger. But I do worry about my kids’ reading skills.”

BookIt Now

The Pizza Hut of today has mostly retreated to take-out only strip mall locations and offers pizzas with either cheese stuffed in unnatural places or topping like pineapple. The current BookIt logo exists only as a lazy web graphic instead of the vibrant buttons of yesteryear. No wonder kids don’t want to read.

“I’ve had both students and parents alike tell me that the incentive of a free Pizza Hut pizza is an absolute turn-off,” said another educator who asked to remain anonymous. “It’s a non-starter. Students are rebelling and refusing to read altogether. I’ve had free pizza certificates thrown back in my face after I tried to give them to students, and I’ve even had my car vandalized with personal pan pizzas thrown and dumped all over it. Truth be told, I’m concerned for my safety.”

Other teachers have said they first started to note a problem a few years ago, when their students started missing days after redeeming their free pizza coupons. That led to mutinies nationwide as students stopped using the coupons as a reaction to the downward spiral of the quality of the pizza chain’s pizza.  

Pizza Hut refused to comment for this story on either their horrible, inedible pizza or the fact that it is a real, frightening possibility that they may single-handedly destroy the art and joy of reading for the nation’s youngsters. 

A Parents’ Guide To Current Street Slang

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Parent coolness is at an all-time high.

Between 20 to 40 years ago parenting was at an all time low with respect to coolness. But parents these days are cooler than ever. It is expected that parenting will, again, become uncool in the coming years.

These days, if you’re a parent, it can seem downright impossible to keep up with the verbiage slung about by a child, especially a teenager. Not only do they seem to switch from being a fan of Justin Bieber to Lance Bass and then back to Justin Bieber again, but they change lingo almost as quickly. And if you do happen to catch the latest episode of “Riverdale” or “Beverly Hills 90210,” there is a real chance you won’t be able to follow along with who is in love with who or whether sideburns are in or not. 

So, in an effort to keep providing you with helpful info you can actually use, here is an up-to-date (as of this morning) list of teen slang that you can drop a bit of knowledge on your teen son or daughter next time you attempt to have a conversation with them. It’s a primer on the language they use and what in tarnation they actually mean. 

Bust the ill pod– Someone very well-versed in current contemporary music.

Pulling an “Indiana Jones”– Taking a long walk in the jungle, the dessert or any such lengthy trek.

Sending flowers to a vegan– Something that is a waste of time or energy. 

Toothy– Laughing at an inappropriate time. 

Sweatin’ to the oldies– Wearing extremely short shorts. 

Philly Jim– Someone with a thick, distinctive (though non-Bostonian) accent. Other variations include Denver Jim, Milwaukee Jim and Portland Pete.

Dragon Ball lame-Uncool, uninteresting.

Tarek and Christina-To break up, or end a long relationship. “Y’all hear about Leroy and Tina? They made like Tarek and Christina.”

Delta Burke– Overweight.

A Rachel McAdams movie– Having to do with time travel.

Meghan Trainor- Someone who is stuck up, arrogant, full of themselves. Especially someone from Nantucket.

Worse than Columbo– Someone who is annoying or a nuisance.

January Marked By Being Utterly, Completely Un-Newsworthy

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Nothing Happening in January 2017

Nothing Happening in January 2017.

As the first month of 2017 comes to a close, we look back to note how absolutely nothing newsworthy happened in the United States for the entire month. Nothing of note. 

Indeed, not much happened throughout the entire world in the first 31 days of 2017.

In an unprecedentedly slow month, nothing exciting, interesting or history-making took place in any populated area on the planet. No major news whatsoever. 

Not since the BBC announced during their evening news program on April 18, 1930 that there was no news, and played piano music during the whole program has there been such a dearth in news. 

Aside from an unexplained rise in mattresses being stolen from Boulder, CO, which really isn’t even a blip on the news radar, there wasn’t anything that took place worth taking up valuable news space. 

If not for our close personal friend Erich Mrak putting out another awesome song, and two celebrity deaths, we could have taken the entire month off and tried to shed some of this holiday weight. Truth be told, we should have spent 12 hours a day in the gym rather than the 12 hours a day we spent sitting by the wire hoping for news to break.

Of course, we did find the time to go see “Rogue One.” And can we take a quick minute to say how hot Felicity Jones looked in that movie? I mean, seriously. She even made us want to watch “Inferno” just to see her in that. Boy, what a twist in that movie, huh?

Speaking of Tom Hanks movies, we haven’t yet seen “Sully.” You guys seen “Sully” yet? Probably should have made time to see that at least once if I can make time to go see “Rogue One” like 11 times. Though, to be fair, “Sully” doesn’t have Felicity Jones. Though, on the other hand, Laura Linney is in “Sully.” She’s still got it. No doubt.

But anyway, here’s hoping February brings in some newsworthy event. Or at least that February gives us the time to go see Hanks land a plane in the Hudson River.

Illuminati: “Even We Had No Idea These Two Candidates Would Be So Incredibly, Destructively Polarizing”

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Recent Illuminati MeetingA person close to the Illuminati admitted yesterday that even they had no idea how well both Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump would destroy the United States from within when both candidates were agreed upon by the secretive group to be chosen to represent the two major American political parties in the upcoming election. As much as the Illuminati have a tight grip and “near total control” and influence over every major world leader, the source said, they still could not foresee just how bad things will soon get for the US with one of these folks in charge of the nation.

“Oh, no, they’re screwed,” he said, referring to the populace of the United States. “Totally, utterly f—–. No question.”

Speaking on the condition of anonymity, because the clandestine organization has not publicly made any comment about the “dire, dire state the citizens of America find themselves in,” and also because if the Illuminati knew he were commenting about the existence of the society, they “would go medieval not only on me but on my whole family, like worse than Keyser Soze,” the source said the Illuminati hasn’t had to manipulate anything said or done on either side of the election since late in 2015.

“They’re doing it themselves, completely by themselves,” the source said. “It’s incredible how they both just keep doing things to feed the rift and the huge divide amongst the American public. It’s truly a thing of beauty to watch, if you are a fan of seeing the fabric of the American society and way of life implode on itself like a dying star.”

Between missing or lost or destroyed e-mails, or old tapes of misogynisitic rhetoric, or just the amount of lies spewed by both sides, “it’s like something out of our wildest dreams. They’ve done in just over 18 months what it has taken our small group more than 200 years to do: undermine any semblance of common ground, unity and hope for a functioning democracy. We truly can’t wait to see how this plays out. If a full-out civil war hasn’t broken out before Christmas, we’ll be shocked. New Year’s at the latest. Book it.”