Columbus, OH—A source close to the current head football coach at Ohio State University (for you Buckeye fans out there, we know how you refer to the school. Don’t worry.) has told The Daily Quarterly that even though it was possible, somehow that he may have been fired after the farcical “investigation” into his knowledge of how horrible a person Zach Smith appears to be, he really didn’t lose much sleep over it, as he knew he had lots of other job options available to him thanks to his vast network of contacts and connections. 

“He was sweating it a little, sure,” the source said. “But only a little, because of the hassle and the fact he may have to pack up and move to another, though likely bigger, house. But he was in no way, shape or form concerned that any findings of his ‘bosses’ (air-quotes) would negatively impact him in any way, shape or form.”

The source also said that there were any number of other jobs that the coach could get with just a phone call, including politician, news broadcaster or college basketball coach. The coach “is quite close (to) and very good friends with Brian Williams, and they spoke pretty much daily during his time off. He also had connections with numerous politicians, not only in Ohio, but Florida and Utah as well, where he crossed paths with a number of state senators and governors and other lifelong politicians. And many, many of them have said that he would fit in seamlessly in their world. He could fun for just about any office anywhere in the country and be successful.” 

The report released by the “investigators” helped support recent “mis-remembrances” and “half-truths” and whatnot, by confirming they didn’t think he “knowingly lied.” The source said the coach may have had a hand in that particular language. “He long ago came to terms with the fact that there was absolutely no room in his life for integrity, compassion or morals. Winning is all that matters, and he’s in the right place for that frame of mind. He’s fine. Courtney Smith didn’t help him win games. Bottom line.”