Monthly Archives: December 2017
The Thorough, In-Depth “Star Wars Episode VIII ‘The Last Jedi'” Movie Review We Promised You, And The Internet Needs And TDQ Readers Deserve
On occasion, with the help of certain Canadian super agents we know who live in Los Angeles, we get invites to various movie premieres and awesome parties. But we didn’t want to big-time you, our readers, when experiencing the latest “Star Wars” flick. We wanted to experience it the same way as you coal miners, dishwashers and blue-collar workers that make up our core audience: in the trenches with tickets we bought ourselves, with holes in the seats and dried Coke on the floor.
And so we went opening night to experience the latest installation of the saga and sat in the last row of the theater at a 10:30 showing on a regular, non-Imax, non-3D screen.
And it was pretty good. It was by far the funniest “Star Wars” film. No doubt. Keep reading for the plot, and at the end of the piece, I’ll give you all the spoilers you can handle.
We must admit we never saw the beginning of this film coming at the end of the last one. When Rey finds Luke at the top of his island mountain home that the Swiss Family Robinson would envy, he is so depressed at how Ben Solo/Kylo Ren turned out and all the mistakes he made over the course of his life, that he is this close to ending it all. He is certain that everyone in his life would have been better off if he’d never been born.
But in comes his guardian angel, Rey. She spends the next 152 minutes showing Luke exactly how worse off everyone would have been had he not been born: his wife Mary would have been a spinster all her life; his old boss, Mr. Gower, would have done time when he botched a prescription for a kid’s medicine had Luke not caught it; and all those people on the Navy transport that his little brother saved by shooting down that kamikaze pilot would have died had Luke not jumped in the frozen lake to save him when they were kids.
I somehow glossed over a lot of the important stuff in Luke’s early life, I guess I need to go back and watch the other films this weekend.
But overall, Rey does a great job showing Luke why he shouldn’t jump off that bridge, earning her own wings in the process. It was a truly feel-good movie all around.
Now for the promised spoilers:
The identity of Supreme Leader Snoke is revealed. He is Keyser Soze.
“Rosebud” is shown to be the name Luke gave to his lightsaber.
We find out who Rey’s parents are thanks to an unexpected cameo by Maury Povich. They are Rhaegar Targaryen and Lyanna Stark.
“Star Wars Episode I” is shown to be, in reality, just a long dream experienced by Pamela Ewing. The movie ends with Patrick Duffy in the shower.
If you do end up ruining the movie for your loser friends before they watch it, go ahead and blame Jar Jar Binks. That’s what we do.
You are now informed. Go and do likewise.
“At The End Of The Day Never Sacrifice Your Art For Anyone:” A TDQ Q&A With Actor And Producer Monte Bezell
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Actor, director, and producer Monte Bezell is Brooklyn born and raised. Brooklyn, according to our hasty research, is know for their vegan brunches, craft breweries, and historically accurate facial hair.
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Monte Bezell doesn’t follow the rules. He shows us that all black can be green and that you can ride a bicycle down a red carpet.
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Saint Nicholas, starring Monte Bezell, appears to tell it’s story from a very interesting perspective.
Teachers Fear For Literacy Of Elementary School Students Thanks To Pizza Hut’s BOOK IT! Program
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In the days of peak Pizza Hut a combination of innovative architecture, delicious pan pizza, and inviting marketing materials were a great incentive to read.
Plano, TX—The nasty, horrible, disgusting, awful quality over the past few years of Pizza Hut pizza is finally having a disastrous effect on young peoples’ literacy, as more and more students across the country are refusing to read, protesting the “prize” of a personal pan pizza from the pizza chain for reading books as part of the BOOK IT! reading program. Educators across the country have expressed their concerns about the future of reading as they witness children reject the program itself.
The BOOK IT! program started in 1984, and according to the propaganda on their website, 14 million children suffer from their horrendous pizza annually.
“It’s sad, really, and I’m really very concerned, honestly,” said 4th grade teacher Janelle Howard. “I get it, though. Don’t get me wrong. I refuse to eat their pizza, too. I’d rather drink drain de-clogger. But I do worry about my kids’ reading skills.”
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The Pizza Hut of today has mostly retreated to take-out only strip mall locations and offers pizzas with either cheese stuffed in unnatural places or topping like pineapple. The current BookIt logo exists only as a lazy web graphic instead of the vibrant buttons of yesteryear. No wonder kids don’t want to read.
“I’ve had both students and parents alike tell me that the incentive of a free Pizza Hut pizza is an absolute turn-off,” said another educator who asked to remain anonymous. “It’s a non-starter. Students are rebelling and refusing to read altogether. I’ve had free pizza certificates thrown back in my face after I tried to give them to students, and I’ve even had my car vandalized with personal pan pizzas thrown and dumped all over it. Truth be told, I’m concerned for my safety.”
Other teachers have said they first started to note a problem a few years ago, when their students started missing days after redeeming their free pizza coupons. That led to mutinies nationwide as students stopped using the coupons as a reaction to the downward spiral of the quality of the pizza chain’s pizza.
Pizza Hut refused to comment for this story on either their horrible, inedible pizza or the fact that it is a real, frightening possibility that they may single-handedly destroy the art and joy of reading for the nation’s youngsters.