“Humiliated” Matt Damon Admits He Had An Ancestor Who Once Owned An Edsel

Matt Damon's Edsel Owning Relative

An unidentified Edsel Owning Relative of public figure Matt Damon.

Los Angeles—A “mortified, humiliated and distraught” Matt Damon admitted yesterday that he asked producers of the History Channel show “Top Gear” to edit out the discovery that one of his distant ancestors owned an Edsel.

The revelation came to light last week after e-mails about Damon’s shame were published online by whistleblower site WikiLeaks, which obtained tens of thousands of emails and private documents retrieved when Sony Pictures Entertainment was hacked last year.

The Oscar-winning writer received backlash for supposedly wanting to conceal the information.

“I didn’t want any television show about cars to include a guy in my family who owned an Edsel. I was embarrassed. The very thought left a bad taste in my mouth,” the actor wrote in a statement released yesterday.

He said he spoke with show producers and lobbied them to take out his scandalous family history.

“They agreed with me on the Edsel ownership issue but made other choices I disagreed with,” Damon said. “In the end, it’s their show and I knew that going in. I’m proud to have participated nonetheless.”

Damon is never specifically named in the email exchange between Sony executives. Other celebrities who’ve appeared on the series include Kal Penn, Buzz Aldrin and Ty Burrell.

Damon wrote that the show is not a news program and that creators must also “respect your willingness to participate and not look to include things you think would embarrass your family, friends and automobile lovers.”

Still, he said, he was regretful about censoring his story — and that the interest in what happened shows people still want to talk about Edsel ownership. “I am glad that my story, however indirectly, will contribute to that discussion,” he wrote. “While I don’t like that the guy is an ancestor, I am happy that aspect of our country’s automotive history is being talked about.” Continue reading

“Always Remember Where You Came From:” A TDQ Q&A With Galvanized Souls

Galvanized Souls

Galvanized Souls over a galvanized metal background. This illustrator is positive no one has thought of that before.

This week’s TDQ Q&A is with Galvanized Soul, an alternative rock band from Southern California. They are made up of Chris Traylor, Matt DeMartini, Zakk Silveira and Kevin Cogen. The group spoke to us about their influences, how they came together and about their anti-bullying hit, “Carry On.” Here is this week’s TDQ Q&A with Galvanized Soul:

The Daily Quarterly: Who was your favorite band growing up?

Chris Traylor: Collective Soul, Avenge Sevenfold, Foo Fighters, Nirvana, Nine Inch Nails, A Day To Remember and Failure.
Matt DeMartini: Growing up my parents would always play Collective Soul so I would say that they were one of my favorite bands growing up.
Zakk Silveira: I never had a favorite band growing up, but now I do and it is Thrice. Kevin Cogen: KISS, Beach Boys, Beatles!

TDQ: What was your favorite album growing up?
CT: “Dosage” album by Collective Soul.
MD: I’ve been through so many favorite bands that I can’t choose haha!
ZS: I also never had a favorite album growing up, but my favorite album now is white pony-deftones.
KC: “Destroyer” by KISS.
TDQ: What made you want to be in show business?

CT: Guitar Hero was one of the biggest reasons why I wanted to be in music/Show business, and the idea of seeing all kinds of people going to your shows and cheering for you to play music for them just seems like the best job to have!
MD: As a kid I always loved the ambiance of concerts but had bad experiences being in the crowd since I was so small and the only other place to be at a concert other than the crowd is on stage!
ZS: I have always loved music and I have always felt music is the best way to express your self, which is why I do it.
KC: I’ve always wanted to inspire and entertain others. It’s what I’ve always wanted.

TDQ: What’s the best advice you’ve ever gotten?
CT: You are the person who is most responsible for your success.
MD: The best advice I’ve ever gotten was when we were playing a show at the Whisky A Go Go. Since we were one of the first bands to play, the stage was cluttered with the other later band’s gear. But while we were setting up, a member of a later band saw how cramped the stage was and helped clear it up as much as he could and said to us, “Always remember where you came from.”
ZS: The best advice that I have ever gotten was to always stand up for yourself because if you believe in you and feel that it is how you want to be, then don’t let anyone change you because your opinion in your look, personality, or art is the only opinion that matters because soon people will always relate with you in the end.
KC: Someone once told me to, “Stay true to yourself.” And that advice has only led me in the best of directions! Continue reading

Father Takes Pic Of Mysterious “Wings” Behind His Daughter

Mysterious Wings

In a single frame from a series of photos a father took of his daughter mysterious wings appeared out of nowhere. Supernatural origin is assumed.

Concord, NH—The Interwebs is literally beside itself after a father posted a pic online of his daughter “clearly in danger of supernatural spirits taking control of her and her soul” as he put it. This photo of a five-year-old girl on a beach in Deer Isle, Maine seems innocuous until you look closely behind the poor little girl’s back.

A closer look appears to reveal a mysterious pair wings belonging to something obviously quite sinister and frightening peeking out from behind her.

The photo, which was uploaded to Reddit by a friend of the girl’s father without his permission, is now making the rounds on Internet, and has many people with nothing better to do all up in arms calling for the girl to be placed in foster care and the father to be arrested. Others are speculating the photo shows a ghost of a duck or some other water fowl because the beach the girl and her dad were at was near a well-known duck graveyard. Continue reading

Source: Britt McHenry In Talks To Be Spokesperson For F&R Auto Sales

Britt McHenry for F&R Auto

Britt McHenry for F&R Auto.

Washington, D.C.—A source with intimate knowledge of the ongoing conversations between suspended ESPN sideline reporter Britt McHenry and embattled Massachusetts car dealership F&R Auto Sales said yesterday that the two parties are very close to a deal that would make McHenry the face of the dealership.

Seeking to capitalize on the fame that began growing in January after video surfaced of their employees berating and humiliating a pizza delivery man over a tip after he delivered a pizza to their employees, F&R is apparently looking to add McHenry to their payroll since she has gained national notoriety after video came out earlier this month showing her verbally abusing a tow lot attendant after her car was towed from a closed Chinese restaurant in Arlington, Va.

“The gang (at F&R) really admire her wicked moxie and think she’d fit right in,” the source said. “And it’s really a bit of, what do you call it, serendipity, serendipitous, that she got caught blasting the girl at a tow yard. Right? ‘Cuz F&R sells cars. And her car got towed.”

McHenry was suspended by her employer, Disney-owned ESPN, for a week after it became clear to the viewing public and people who had never heard of her that she was a very unpleasant person. She later gave a very Brian-Williams-like half apology on social media saying some nonsense about her being under stress and failing to take the high road.

An employee at F&R, who spoke to The Daily Quarterly but asked not to be named, said, “We ain’t all got college degrees like that McHenry chick. But most of us got all our teeth. And she’s on the TV. She’s a wicked big deal, and would really bring a touch of class to our car lot. She’d really like it up here. And we have pizza parties all the time.” Continue reading

Kim Kardashian To Play Olive Oyl In New “Popeye” Live-Action Movie

Popeye The Sailor Man

Critics promise, “If you love the original you will be disappointed.”

Los Angeles—Sources confirmed yesterday that Paramount Pictures has finalized casting for an upcoming re-boot of the world’s most popular one-eyed sailor, “Popeye,” and the “biggest” surprise among the cast is Kim Kardashian’s winning of the role of Olive Oyl.

Played by Shelley Duvall in the 1980 Robert Altman musical version, Olive is the long-suffering love interest of the sailor man. In this iteration, the title role will be played by Ben Foster.

“We’ve made a conscious decision to stay far away from the Altman version, despite how wonderful that film was,” said Kardashian’s representative. “This film will be darker and grittier than the original, with no musical numbers, and it will be more true to the source material.”

Billy Gardell has been cast as Popeye’s nemesis, Bluto, with the role of the Commodore going to Bill Murray.

This film version will have other villains that originated in the comic strip, unlike the 1980 Altman version, which only had Bluto as the main villain. Holland Taylor will play the Sea Hag, and January Jones will play Alice the Goon. Continue reading