Monthly Archives: September 2014

FSU Quarterback Jameis Winston Very Familiar With Being Places He Doesn’t Belong

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Victoria Secret Fashion ShowTallahassee, FL—When word broke last weekend that crab leg-stealing Heisman Trophy-winning Florida State University quarterback Jameis Winston mysteriously found his way onto the playing field despite being suspended for the entire game against Clemson University for jumping up on a table in the student union at FSU and yelling an obscenity, it should really have come as no surprise.

Because that’s not the first time Winston has somehow found himself somewhere he didn’t belong, as all of the photos in this article will document.

Area 51Just last winter, Winston was seen backstage at a Victoria’s Secret fashion show in New York City. He did not face any disciplinary sanctions from Florida State and no charges were filed because none of the models would cooperate with police, as they “weren’t good looking enough like the hot ones on TV,” according to various Victoria’s Secret sources.

Alex Del PilarAnd several photos of Winston seemingly walking aimlessly and without care around Area 51 have been floating around the internet for several months.

We’ve also received word that Jameis Winston has been seen out on dinner dates with Manti Te’o’s ex-girlfriend on several occasions. Neither Te’o or his ex-girlfriend could be reached for comment. She clearly has a type, though.

Situation RoomPerhaps the most troublesome areas that Winston has somehow been able to find himself in have been inside the White House Situation Room, and at Camp David. It’s unclear if any of his teammates had joined him in either of these locales, as only Winston himself has been photographed there.

Camp DavidAnd we’ll be damned if he didn’t somehow find himself on the moon during Neil Armstrong’s moonwalk. The young man’s tenacious, there’s no denying that.

And if that jaunt into space wasn’t enough, Winston also somehow was on the set of the latest Star Wars film, and can be seen in the background when Harrison Ford injured himself earlier this year.

MoonWe’d say you should keep an eye on Winston as he finishes out his sophomore year at FSU, but with the way he finds himself in front of the camera so often, it’s really more difficult to not focus on him. Just ask the security officers at Publix.Star Wars SetPublix

Dasvidaniya, Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer

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Oasis beverages is likely to make the brand Old Milwaukee more relatable to it's new customers in Russia.

Oasis beverages is likely to make the brand Old Milwaukee more relatable to it’s new customers in Russia.

Pabst Red Ribbon

A minor change for such a classic brand to make it more palatable in the motherland.

Schlitzky

For the brand Schlitz it seems the just ran the name through on online translator. As if they didn’t know what Schlitz meant.

AK 47

Arguably the AK-47 is far more popular, world over, than the original Colt .45 caliber pistol which dates back to the late 1800’s.

Don’t say we didn’t try to warn you, America. We’ve said for years that all signs were pointing to the Russians buying up all of this great country’s great, underrated beers, and then last week, lo and behold, Russian brewer Oasis Beverages, like that guy representing “Big Oil” in the Muppet movie featuring that hack Jason Segel, bought Old Milwaukee, Schlitz and my personal favorite, Colt 45.

Is this what Rocky Balboa fought for against that Russian He-Man Punisher cat? Is that what Yakov Smirnoff swam to Florida to prevent? (“In Soviet Russia, cheap, lousy beer throws YOU up!”) Is that what Maria Sharapova and Anna Kournikova came to live with Pete Sampras for? No, no, no!

Do you think this sort of thing would have happened at the height of the Cold War? Of course not! Hell would have had to have frozen over first! Ridiculous!

Maybe this is Billy Joel’s fault, what with that goodwill concert and whatnot. Maybe if Ronald Reagan had pushed harder to change that dumb amendment where presidents can only serve two terms, and taken over Russia like Nancy wanted, maybe this wouldn’t have happened. Or maybe if the kids from Mr. Moore’s IHP program hadn’t gone over to Russia in “Head of the Class,” maybe this could have been averted.

We don’t know. We don’t have those answers. Maybe Oasis Beverages has been biding their time since the 1980 Winter Olympics, and this has been in the  works for more than three decades. Maybe they finally got one over on us.

But what we do know is that we aren’t going to take this buy out lying down. If they want to fight, we’ll fight. We are, as you read this, right this minute, doing research on what below average, cheap brand of alcohol we can buy out from under those Russian bastards. We’ll show those sons of guns. And if we come across anything else in that God-forsaken frozen wasteland that their people sort of love and really take for granted, then we’ll jump all over that, too. Mark our words.

You are now informed. Go and do likewise. Continue reading →

TDQ Investigates: Busting Young MC’s “Bust A Move”

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Young MC

This MTV trading card depicts a young Young MC and harkens back to a time when MTV was still into music and there were trading cards for everything!

In this latest installment of deciphering and tearing apart horribly-written “songs,” we hop in our time machine and dissect Young MC’s chart topping hit, “Bust A Move.”

Take a few minutes to remember the catchy beat about young, jobless, carless men trying to charm their way into the um, hearts, of attractive young ladies. Then let’s examine some of the awful lyrics in this thing.

The first verse speaks of the typical jobless young chap who somehow finds the wherewithal to attend a party one night, then somehow makes his way into a “high class luncheon” the following day. He ends the first verse imploring the chap, who is clearly taking advantage of free food at the affair, to dance with the available young ladies despite having just over-eaten.

After stealing a lyric from a hit from the early 80s, “Lookin’ for love in all the wrong places,” Mr. MC muses on a form of suicide I’ve certainly never read about or heard of in any other song:

No fine girls just ugly faces
Some frustration first inclination
Is to become a monk and leave the situation
But every dark tunnel has a light of hope
So don’t hang yourself with a celibate rope

The end of the second verse discusses meeting a young lady in a movie theater, clearly a precursor to an Alanis Morissette tune… Continue reading →

Gentle Giant Bond Villain Richard Kiel Dies At 74

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Richard Kiel

Richard Kiel, right, with RECOiL writer/director Brian DiMaio, left. Keil’s scenes from RECOiL were, regrettably, deleted because it was discovered too late that his head was cropped out of frame in most of his scenes.

Fresno, CA—He survived being left in space by James Bond and getting a nail shot in his head by Happy Gilmore, but 7 foot 2 actor Richard Kiel died last week in a Fresno hospital at the age of 74. The cause of death hasn’t yet been determined.

Born with acromegaly, Kiel mad a name for himself playing huge characters both on TV and in films. He was best known as the henchman Jaws in two James Bond films, “The Spy Who Loved Me” and “Moonraker.”

He also appeared in the films “Happy Gilmore,” “The Longest Yard,” “RECOiL” and “Silver Streak.”

On the small screen, he played the title character in “The Paul Bunyan Show” and “Lassie.” He also tried to *SPOILER ALERT* cook the entire world’s population in the classic “Twilight Zone” episode, “To Serve Man.”

He is survived by his wife of 40 years, Diane Rogers Kiel, sons Richard, Bennett and Christopher; one daughter, Jennifer; and six grandchildren. Continue reading →

“One Month You Could Be Playing A Doe-Eyed Intern, And The Next You Could Be Playing A Masked Ninja Warrior:” A TDQ Q&A With Actress Kaleina Cordova

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Kaleina Cordova

Kaleina Cordova

This week’s TDQ Q&A features up and coming Kaleina Cordova. Kaleina spoke to us about her roles in “The Glades” and “Step Up Revolution,” the difference between Florida and LA and learning from every acting job she gets. Here is this week’s TDQ Q&A with actress Kaleina Cordova: 

The Daily Quarterly: Who was your favorite actress growing up?

Kaleina Cordova: I grew up in the 90s and one of my favorite shows was “The Amanda Show” on Nickelodeon. So I would have to say Amanda Bynes.

TDQ: What was your favorite A&E Network cop show growing up?

KC: Actually I’m only now just beginning to watch cop shows and crime dramas. I was more of a comedy enthusiast growing up!

TDQ: What made you want to be in show business?

KC: I used to visit my dad on set as a kid, and after a while of observing and soaking it all in, I realized I wanted to be in front of the camera. I had my first role in a movie when I was 10, and I’ve had the acting bug ever since.

TDQ: What’s the best advice you’ve ever gotten?

KC: To not be afraid of responsibility but only accept what you can handle. Sometimes when great things come your way, you believe you can handle them all. But you always need to step back and put things into perspective.

TDQ: What’s the worst advice you’ve ever gotten?

KC: “Let’s just take a shortcut!” We were hiking and my friend decided he knew of a better way down… It was an hour of sliding on my butt down a narrow steep hill, clinging to branches and shrubs. Bottom line, never take a “shortcut.” Continue reading →