Williamsbug, Brooklyn – An already misunderstood socio-economic group affectionately known as “hipsters” was dealt a crippling blow recently that has put the entire organization in disarray. The details, not reported in mainstream outlets, have been cobbled together from first- and second-hand accounts. To the best of our knowledge the story is as follows: By clerical error or malice the global network that informs hipsters on current and future trends, known as “hipsternet”, gave the order that facial hair was no longer hip. The most dedicated members of the organization rushed to comply for the honor of being “first” but were devastated to learn that the information was untrue. For some, years of hard work has been lost.

For those out of the loop, the term “hipster” refers, simply, to those that dedicate themselves to the practice of being hip. However, mainstream hipness is not good enough. Hipsters must be on the cutting edge of hipness. There is nothing more hip than something that, to the mainstream, is considered to be unhip. This is where the “ironic” feedback loop begins. The least hip things are co-opted by the hippest of people. Eventually the mainstream accepts the un-hip as hip. The hipsters are forced to find new territory and the cycle continues. Case-in-point, there isn’t anything cool about a Civil War-era beard on a young man. Or is there? It isn’t something you can rush into after the fact.

As the old saying goes, “you can always tell a hipster, but you can’t tell them much.” Who among us mainstreamers can’t identify a hipster out in the world? Yet why do we not emulate them and put ourselves amongst the cream of the hip crop? Because it isn’t as easy as it looks. It’s not just any skinny jean and plaid shirt that will do. You can’t just measure for eyeglass rim thickness and pick the one with the highest value. Not every ironic t-shirt fits the bill. Yet how do the hipsters all know what’s in? The answer is “hipsternet.” Some say it is vast parallel infrastructure to the internet we all uses. Others say it is just a WordPress site you have to log in to. Either way it is the place where current trends can be referenced and future trends are planned. You don’t think it was a coincidence that a group of 25 year old men decided not to shave in ten years, do you?

Some are saying the bad information was put into place by a nerd. Nerds, for those who have lives, are a socio-economic group known for their ability to put intense focus on small aspects of life usually at the expense of other aspects. Some will tell you nerds and hipsters are related the hipsters having chosen hipness as their area of expertise and drifting away from their less hip ancestors. No matter the culprit the hipster community must now decide if facial hair is or isn’t still hip and what to do with members that are now out of compliance.