Animals Calling For Safer Work Environment After Trespassing Deer Killed Inside Zoo

Smithsonian National Zoo Residents Concerned

A Smithsonian National Zoo Resident who wished to remain unnamed (but allowed a photo because all of her species look the same) is concerned for her family’s safety.

Washington, D.C.— A recent attack at the Smithsonian National Zoo of white-tailed deer by cheetahs has sparked a debate that has divided zoo populations for quite some time.

When cheetahs attacked and killed two deer that had jumped the zoo’s fence and entered their enclosure last week, it once again brought to the forefront the need voiced by animals for years, if not decades, of a safer work environment at the zoo.

Many animals at the zoo pointed to the violence carried out by their colleagues as proof that management at the zoo is out of touch with the climate and is allowing morale to suffer, not listening to their complaints.

A gazelle at the zoo, whose pen is close to the cheetahs, said this isn’t the first time he’s heard of the cheetahs acting out.

“You watch, you just watch,” the gazelle said. “Those sons of bitches are gonna get off here. Not a damn thing’s gonna happen to them. It’s been like this since I was a kid.”

Another neighbor of the cheetahs, a white-cheeked gibbon, said it isn’t just zoo animals who are sick of dealing with the environment at the zoo.

Smithsonian National Zoo Resident

A white cheeked gibbon, and Smithsonian National Zoo Resident, was not being cheeky when criticizing zoo officials.

“These deers, is it deers, or deer? Deer? These deer?” the gibbon said. “These deer, they aren’t the only ones who are victims of these idiot cheetahs. They foolishly jumped in the pen, sure, but we got vendors in here on a daily basis, we have customers coming in here and kids and families and what not. It’s ridiculous.”

The white-cheeked gibbon pointed to the recent escapes of other animals in zoos nationwide, including a cobra at the Bronx Zoo, as proof of a growing dissatisfaction of animals.

Even domesticated animals, living out cushy existences in plush locales like Central Florida, agree that something must be done. Facebook sensation said, “I agree.”
Continue reading

“ALF” Finally, FINALLY(!) Coming To The Big Screen

ALF: TheMovie

The producers assure us that the children of today are much more comfortable with bad computer generated graphics than they are with good puppetry.

Hollywood—At long last, the jokers in Hollywood have finally come to their senses, and reports were confirmed yesterday that the hit 1980s NBC show, “ALF,” will be coming to a theater near you for Christmas 2014.

“We’re very excited to get the green light,” said screenwriter and Hollywood’s own King Midas, Andrew Stanton. “It’s been a long time coming bringing something this big to the big screen, and with me writing this juggernaut and the cast we’re looking at, absolutely nothing could prevent this film from breaking records.”

Stanton said ALF himself, rather than a puppet this go-around, will be CGI.

“We’re planning to take canonical stories from both the primetime series and the animated series,” Stanton said. “The sky is literally, literally, the limit for the film. We might even film in outer space.”

Willie Tanner, the amateur astronomer who discovered ALF in the original series, will be played by Owen Wilson. Julie Bowen has been confirmed to be in talks to play the family matriarch, Kate. Calum Worthy has been cast as the Tanner son, Brian, with G. Hannelius playing daughter Lynn Tanner. “Community’s” Yvette Nicole Brown has been cast as nosy neighbor Raquel Ochmonek. Denzel Washington has signed on to play her husband, Trevor Ochmonek.

With the news that ALF himself will be computer-generated, it is unclear what involvement ALF’s creator, puppeteer and voice, Paul Fusco, will have in the film.

“I don’t seem to have Mr. Fusco’s number in my phone,” Stanton said. “But I’m quite certain he will be proud of our CGI rendering of ‘ALF’ and how we’ve improved it. Just like how good Scooby-Doo looked in his live-action films. It’s really the way ALF was meant to be seen. CGI in IMAX. It’s a good day in Hollywood.”
Continue reading

Thamsanqa Jantjie: “People Misinterpreting Accusations Of Rape And Murder”

Obama Signs in on Thamsanqa Jantjie's Performance

Despite seemingly authentic credentials Thamsanqa Jantjie’s signs were not.

Thamsanqa Jantjie is no longer just using his hands to botch signing at state funerals. Now he’s using them to come out swinging against accusations of a long criminal history, the least of which includes fraud of knowing a damn thing about sign language.

Jantjie, 34, said he has been a licensed interpreter since 1972, and has never before had any issues with people who could hear having any issues with his work, especially since he has done funerals before for such dignitaries as Ghandi, Franklin Delano Roosevelt and Elvis.

“In my entire (storied) career, nobody has never (sic) ever questioned my (impressive) signing,” Jantjie might have said to reporters. It’s unclear if he used American sign language, or some combination of English, Afrikaans, Ndebele, Northern Sotho, Sotho, Swazi, Tswana, Tsonga, Venda, Xhosa, or Zulu.

Thamsanqa Jantjie

Thamsanqa Jantjie can’t help but use his hands when he talks.

“It kills me, it literally kills me, that people would accuse me of such sad, unhealthy things as kidnapping and hurting people,” Jantjie said. “I mean, am I the only person who has a hard time understanding people who talk very fast? No, and it’s not so easy when people have all those silly American accents. I mean, fraudulently passing one’s self off as a person who has never committed a crime and who has credentials they really don’t have, that’s not a crime, is it? People just need to lighten up. I mean, if there is anybody alive who would be okay with me missing a word here and there at his funeral, it’s Nelson Mandela. Did I tell you that I visited him in prison in 1973?”

Jantjie also spoke for nearly 15 minutes about how he just knew the Chiefs would have a rebound year this year after losing 14 games last season. He also mentioned that he was “killing it” in his fantasy league this year. Continue reading

Peter O’Toole, Actor And Would-Be Knight, Dies At 81

Peter O'Toole

Peter O’Toole, right, with RECOiL writer/director Brian DiMaio, left. O’Toole was fresh off his sandwich consulting stint with Bennigan’s when he met DiMaio. O’Toole was offered the role of a suave British spy named Bind; Charles Bind. Regretably the scene was removed for time (and trademark infringement).

London—Legendary British actor Peter O’Toole died Saturday after a long illness, according to his agent. He was 81.

O’Toole won an Emmy Award for his role in “Joan of Arc” in 1999. Best known for his title role in “Lawrence of Arabia,” he was nominated for an Oscar a record eight times. O’Toole finally received an honorary Academy Award in 2003. He retired from acting in 2012, a week before his 80th birthday.

Other films O’Toole appeared in include “The Lion in Winter,” “My Favorite Year,” “RECOiL” and “What’s New, Pussycat?” He was also prolific in the theater, acting in such classic stage productions as “Waiting for Godot,” “The Man of La Mancha,” and “A Midsummer Night’s Dream.”

O’Toole was offered a knighthood in 1987, but he turned it down for political reasons.

He is survived by his three children, Kate, Patricia and Lorcan. Continue reading

World’s Most Famous Door-To-Door Salesman And William H. Macy Inspiration Bill Porter Dies At 81

Bill Porter

Bill Porter, right, met RECOiL writer/direct Brian DiMaio during a sales call in the mid 80’s. When Porter learned DiMaio was writing a film he insisted DiMaio write a part for him. DiMaio said a salesman had no place in the film industry. Porter was persistent and even provided a modified version of the script in which Porter played a starring role. The plot change involved a gangster and law-man playing an intense game of cat and mouse. After some initial screen tests DiMaio rejected the script changes as “amateurish” and, instead, gave Porter a minor role playing himself making a sales call that was later cut. Porter would go on to sell the script to Michael Mann who updated the script for a film called Heat.

Portland, OR—Bill Porter, portrayed in the Emmy Award-winning TV movie, “Door to Door” by William H. “Fargo” Macy, has died. He was 81.

Despite having cerebral palsy and walking with great difficulty, Porter harnessed the power of spite to achieve his goals and was the top salesman for years in a four-state area for J. R. Watkins products, selling his wares door to door throughout Portland.

He first came to national attention in 1995 when his life was written about in The Oregonian newspaper, back when people actually read newspapers. He was then written about in Readers Digest when it was still a decent publication. Porter also portrayed himself in the film, “RECOiL.”

Macy portrayed Porter in 2003 on TNT, before they started solely running reruns of “Castle.” Continue reading