Monthly Archives: October 2013

Karlsfield City Council Passes Measure To Tax New Toy Construction

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Karlsfield, VT Toy Construction

The city of Karlsfield, VT is serious about new toy construction permits. They were more than happy to show us what happens to buildings that didn’t have the proper permits.

Karlsfield, VT—A measure passed last night by the Karlsfield City Council could have serious implications for youngsters who love their LEGOs and other building blocks this holiday season, as beginning Dec. 1, all toys involving “the creation, construction or building of homes, domiciles, buildings or skyscrapers” will be deemed “new construction” and require building permits and certificates of occupancy by the town of Karlsfield.

“It’s a revenue stream that this city just could not continue to keep missing,” said the bill’s author, Councilman Bill Miles. “For too long now, children and teenagers have been skating by, erecting houses, castles and spaceports without the proper paperwork. This measure is long overdue.”

Despite significant opposition by parents and grandparents from all parts of town, the measure passed by a vote of 4-3 with five council members abstaining. Continue reading →

Mrs. Krabappel, Marcia Wallace Has Died

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Marcia Wallace

Marcia Wallace, left, met RECOiL writer/director Brian DiMaio, right, on the set of The New $25,000 Pyramid. DiMaio was a contestant and used all of his winnings (roughly $300) to produce his film RECOiL. Wallace agreed to appear in the film to, in her own words, “get him to shut up about it!”

Los Angeles—Marcia Wallace, best known as the voice of Bart Simpson’s 4th grade teacher, Edna Krabappel on “The Simpsons,” has died at 70. The cause of her death has not been released.

Wallace first came to the attention of television audiences playing the role of Carol Kester on “The Bob Newhart Show” for six seasons during the 1970s.

She was also a staple on TV game shows, appearing on “The $25,000 Pyramid,” “Hollywood Squares,” “Match Game” and “Super Password.”

Besides television, Wallace had a prolific theater career. She also appeared on the big screen in such films as “My Mother The Werewolf,” “Teen Witch,” “RECOiL” and “Ghoulies III: Ghoulies Go To College.”

Wallace was diagnosed with breast cancer in 1985 and later became an activist and lecturer on the disease. She won an Emmy Award in 1992 for her portrayal of Krabappel. Producers of “The Simpsons” have confirmed the character will be retired.

She is survived by her adopted son, Michael Hawley.

Air Conditioning Truck/Time Machine Suddenly Appears Out Of Thin Air At Warehouse

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Never enoough time to do things right.

The pilot of this time machine was, clearly, not thinking 4th dimensionally. It seems that even with all the time in the world there is still not enough time to do things right.

Daphne, AL—A typical day at Stroud’s Tool and Die was interrupted yesterday afternoon thanks to the sudden unexplained appearance of an air conditioning van, believed by most at the scene to be a time machine, teetering on the edge of loading bay six.

“The son of a bitch just showed up out of nowhere. Out of thin air,” said assistant manager Leo Fletcher. “Literally, out of thin air.”

Witnesses working in the warehouse at about 1:15 said that the white van with red lettering just appeared with no warning whatsoever. Then its two occupants, who were described as “normal-looking dudes, not like that white-haired crackpot and teenage kid you usually see in time machines or anything” got out. One fled the scene without saying anything, but the other man appeared surprised and just as confused as the onlookers before he left the scene.

“No, no,” said foreman Jim Everheart, “one of them just jumped out and took off, and the other one muttered something about the warehouse not there in his calculations, or not being built yet or something. But then he took off, too.”

The employees examined the van for as long as they could before law enforcement officials came and removed it. No officials anywhere in the state of Alabama would confirm or deny any involvement in or knowledge of the incident.

“The biggest problem, once we got the damn thing out of the loading dock,” Fletcher said, “is that productivity the rest of the day was all shot to hell because the boys argued about where the machine came from and whether it was thwarted by the Fermi Paradox, Novikov self-consistency principle, wormholes or parallel universes.”

“I don’t know, I have no explanation for it. My hobby ain’t time travel. It’s quantum mechanics,” Everheart said. “But that don’t mean I have to listen to that ass-hat Marvin Benson go on and on about tachyonic antitelephones. Like that idiot knows what the hell he’s talking about.” Continue reading →

Acronym Acrimony Pits P.S.L., Florida Against Starbucks Seasonal Coffee

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Port St. Lucie or Pumpkin Spice Latte?A mid-sized vision of suburban sprawl on the southeast coast of Florida, the city of Port St. Lucie has a few claims to fame- it’s the former home of Megan Fox and the current home of Vanilla Ice, Garth Brooks, and thousands upon thousands of retirees from Long Island and the five boroughs, making traffic a sluggish nightmare during Mets spring training. Mentions of PSL were even seen in the heydays of the Sopranos.

These days, Port St. Lucie is making headlines for another reason- the City Council has decided that Starbucks’ use of the acronym “PSL” for its uber-popular fall drink, the Pumpkin Spice Latte, is an infringement upon the city’s long-standing colloquial abbreviation. Recently, the city filed a cease and desist order against the Seattle-based coffee giant, and has vowed further legal action if they don’t stop using the abridgement in advertising and in handwritten barista notes on cups.

A Starbucks spokeswoman responded, calling the legal action both “arbitrary and capricious,” and said that Starbucks has no intention of refraining from the use of the initials in print or television advertising, and is directing baristas to continue using the abbreviation on cups in all of its 20,000 plus stores worldwide.

Rumors of Starbucks considering a closure of all stores within the Port St. Lucie city limits have begun to run rampant throughout town, and Starbucks refused comment on the matter, fueling speculation that the caffeine peddler may be taking the PSL out of PSL for good. Hundreds of latte-crazed citizens have packed recent City Council meetings to express their anxiety over the potential loss of their favorite bean-pushing baristas.
Continue reading →