Monthly Archives: February 2013

Lincoln Photograph Exposed As A Fake; Museum Taken In

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Lincoln

One Lincoln? Two? Are either authentic?

Sarasota, FL—A planned exhibit at a local history museum scheduled for June of this year featuring a recently-unearthed photograph purportedly taken of President Abraham Lincoln just days before he was assassinated has been canceled after a local high school history teacher advised the museum’s board that the picture is not authentic.

Sarasota’s Museum of American History director Carlton Jameson, PhD, admitted that “it looks like the photo, upon closer scrutiny, may not be a legitimate depiction of the president as we were initially informed it was. We apologize for the error.”

Jameson did not confirm where the photograph came from. A friend of Jameson’s, Louis Hughes, a teacher at Sarasota Central High School, happened to see the photo while lunching with Jameson last week. Hughes, who teaches 20th Century History and Driver’s Education at the high school, said he told Jameson he thought something seemed off about the picture.

After conferring with the rest of the board at a hastily-called meeting last night, the decision to cancel the exhibit passed by a vote of 9-1.
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New Clive Davis Autobiography Reveals His Roles In “New Coke” And His Invention Of The iPad

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Clive Davis

A rare glimpse inside Clive Davis Laboratories where the magic happens.

Los Angeles—Former “American Idol” winner and star of stage and screen Kelly Clarkson isn’t the only celebrity named and skewered in record mogul Clive Davis’ new autobiography, “The Soundtrack of My Life.” Davis also said that he tried his best to prevent “massive career mistakes” that other protégé’s made, and at the same time resisted taking credit for some tremendous inventions and ideas that have helped change the world, namely, the iPad.

Early in the book, Davis said that he “wasted, ultimately, more than a month of my precious time” trying to convince Coca-Cola executives not to change the classic formula back in 1985. The advice that Davis tried to give the execs, including one former record company employee who was instrumental in the soft drink maker’s decision to “update the taste or some such nonsense,” fell on deaf ears. But David was quickly proven correct in his assessment, and was sent “a lifetime supply of the caramel-colored drink, though in all honesty,” Davis said he prefers “Tab.” Continue reading →

Idiot Suing ESPN After “College Gameday” Daily Trivia Calendar Incorrect Answer To Trivia Question Cost Him Round Of Drinks

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Calendar of Tomorrow

The estimated cost is $3000 per unit. Engineers are working hard to make the disposable device’s batteries last the whole year.

Pine Bluff, AR—A man has filed a lawsuit against cable sports giant ESPN after he lost a bar bet based on information he learned from an ESPN “College Gameday” trivia calendar.

The question at issue in the case was from the January 31 calendar page, which read, “Who holds the SEC single-season record for rushing touchdowns?” Unfortunately, in a horrible proof-reading error, the answer given at the bottom of the page reads, “Southern California in 1932 and 1933.” (When everybody knows it was Tim Tebow in 2007 with 20. Duh.)

As a result of the misinformation, John Braddock, 23, had to fork over more than $500.00 to cover the other patrons’ drinks. The price of the tab forced Braddock to have to sell his 1994 Chevy S-10 pickup truck.

His attorney released this statement: “Not only did my client suffer monetary damages in having to pay for the entire bar’s drinks after providing the incorrect answer, he also suffered irreparable damage to his reputation, pain and suffering and mental anguish. His girlfriend of 10 months has left him over this matter, taking his baby son with her. He is now estranged from his family and is a laughing stock at what was formerly his favorite watering hole.”
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Another Top Ten List: Questionable Doctors

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Doctors

These “doctors” share a host of similarities including high hair lines, pet cats, glasses and prominent hand gestures.

Since our list of top ten movies was such a hit, we thought we’d toss this list out, and see who salutes. (That’d be a good list too, Top Ten Mixed Metaphors! Write that down…) This is a list of people who, for one reason or several, seem to not exactly scream “MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL” despite being known as “Doctor.” Take a look, and we’ll send you our bill when you’re finished.

Dr Pepper (soft drink) – He doesn’t even have a period after “Dr.” What the hell is that all about? Major red flag. (Full disclosure, I can’t stand the drink, either. Coke is it!)

Dr. Dre (rapper, producer) – Sure, he’s successful and rich and has launched the careers of a bunch of other artists, but I don’t think I’d want him cutting me open or prescribing me meds. Is “Dre” short for something? Continue reading →

Pope Benedict XVI Resigns To Open Bed And Breakfast Outside Venice

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Benedict's Bed & Breakfast

Benedict’s Bed & Breakfast has a perks list that few can rival.

Vatican City, Italy—After several weeks of soul-searching (literally), Joseph Ratzinger, aka Pope Benedict XVI, announced his resignation after nearly eight years as head of the Catholic Church. The pope said it’s been a great ride, but he never shut the door on his dream of wanting to own a bed and breakfast, and decided that now was the time.

“It’s just, you know, something I’ve always wanted to do,” the pope, 85, said. “And I figured it’s now or never, so here we go.”

The pope put a down payment on a small villa in a village just outside Venice, and with a little restoration and “some Papal elbow grease, if you will” he said, he hopes to open up the B&B by the end of the summer.

“Sure, I’ll miss some things,” the pope said. “It’s a good gig. I got to see that movie ‘Skyfall’ before it hit theaters, that was pretty cool. And I have no problem getting great seats when rock stars are in town. I do wish I could have seen Taylor Swift do a show live, though. That would have been cool.”
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