Monthly Archives: January 2013

Alex Rodriguez Already Admitted To Lying About Taking PEDs Once Before, Isn’t That Enough?

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A-Rod PEDs?

Evidence of A-Rod’s performance enhancing drug use? (You should have seen the caption the editor rejected: “Deer antler spray making A-Rod horny?” There’s no way he was going to let us print that.)

Miami—Much like his recent performance on the field, New York Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez came out swinging (and missing) yesterday after yet another newspaper article broke linking him, yet again, to performance-enhancing drugs.

An article in the Miami New Times linked Rodriguez, as well as several other major league players including Melky Cabrera, to a clinic in Miami that allegedly provided HGH and other banned substances to both professional and amateur athletes in several sports.

After somebody on his staff read the article to him, Rodriguez issued a rambling non-statement kind of addressing…something. Here is his statement: “It just hurts me so much, that my hometown paper would come out with such a report. That me and myself and my fellow professional athletes could give so much back, do so much for our hometown community, and be treated in such a manner such as this, well, it breaks my heart. I’m speechless, I truly am, that such a thing could occur. I thought I was past having to admit to taking banned substances when I admitted in 2009 that I had lied for years before. But now, there are people who want me to do it all over again. The whole reason I admitted it at that time was so that I wouldn’t have to go through this again. Peter Gammons told me then that irregardless of whatever I might take in the future, I’d only have to do that one confession.”
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Manti Te’o “Very Confident” Hawaii Five-O Can Get To The Bottom Of Lennay Kekua Hoax

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Te'o Five-0

Te’o has supplied a photo evidencing his meeting with the Hawaii Five-0 team.

Honolulu—Manti Te’o, University of Notre Dame linebacker and apparent famous hoax victim, said yesterday he met face-to-face with authorities in Hawaii and is “very confident this agency can get to the bottom of the lies and deception” surrounding the internet love hoax perpetrated on Te’o over the last several years.

Te’o said he flew to Honolulu from Florida immediately after his meeting with ESPN’s Jeremy Schaap to sit down with authorities from Hawaii Five-O and provide them with information about his non-existent dead girlfriend Lennay Kekua that he believes can help track down the people behind the hoax.

“After spending a couple hours with Mr. Schaap, I flew to Hawaii to spend some time with some relatives there and also, uhhhh, you know, have a meeting with the Five-O people,” Te’o said. “I had a really productive, informative meeting with a Commander McGarrett and his team, and I feel quite certain that they can uncover, uhhh, using the methods at their disposal, what exactly happened regarding the hoax as it pertains to actions taken by the culprits in the great state of Hawaii.”
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Iran Confident Successful Monkey Space Flight Is Next Step In Reaching Planet Of Pandora By 2020

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Ahmadinejad

Ahmadinejad speech has been hailed as “unique”, “original”, and “not at all derivative of Western history or pop culture” by Iranian critics.

Tehran, Iran—When news broke last week that Iran had successfully launched a monkey into space and safely returned him back to his cage at the Tehran Busch Gardens, leaders of the moderate, pro-USA country saw the breakthrough as just getting one step closer to leaving Earth and completing a space flight to the planet of Pandora.

Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said in a speech to the Tehran Knights of Columbus earlier this week that he and his government are not monkeying around. They are confident they can reach Pandora by the year 2020, and outlined his vision for a world where Iran can fly into space: “There is no strife, no prejudice, no national conflict in Pandora as yet. Its hazards are hostile to us all. Its conquest deserves the best of all mankind, and its opportunity for peaceful cooperation may never come again. But why, some say, Pandora? Why choose this and its unspoiled reserves of Unobtainium as our goal? And they may well ask why climb the highest mountain? Why, five years ago, use a telephone with no wires? Why does Sepahan play Tractor Sazi for the Persian Gulf Cup?
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TDQ Investigates: Help Me, J.J. Abrams, You’re My Only Hope

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Trek Wars

The world must come to grip with the fact that it is one time-travel plot device away from a Star Wars/Star Trek mash-up.

The texts and e-mails started pouring in to us here at The Daily Quarterly as soon as it seemingly became official that “Lost” co-creator and “Star Trek” reboot director J.J. Abrams had signed on to direct the next “Star Wars” film, “Episode VII: Let’s Hope This One’s Better Than the Last Three.”

When news broke back in October that Disney had paid George Lucas just a bit more for the “Star Wars” franchise than Han got for rescuing Princess Leia, Abrams denied that he would be directing the next movie, since he had already directed “Star Trek,” and everybody knows you have to be invested whole hog in either one or the other, not both.

But now that he’s changed his mind, we obviously have to weigh in here. And here is the official TDQ position on this: cautiously optimistic, we are.

I mean, it’s not like Abrams can do much worse with the next trilogy than Lucas himself did with the prequel trilogy.
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