US Post Office Looking For Volunteers To Help Sort, Deliver Mail

USPS Volunteer Opportunities

The US Postal Service is offering volunteer opportunities to suit almost anyone.

Washington, DC—Walk into your local post office (assuming you still have a local post office), and hanging on the bulletin board next to the FBI’s Most Wanted flier, you’re likely to read another piece of paper seeking volunteers to “help out 40 hours a week or so.”

In an effort to cut even more costs, the US Postal Service now is seeking people, “preferably former employees, but they don’t have to be,” said a spokesman, to do the sorting and delivering that used to cost millions of dollars in salaries and benefits, but could just as easily be done just as well by un-paid volunteers. Continue reading

Taylor Swift Just Biding Her Time Until New Boyfriend Pisses Her Off And She Gets A Hit Song Out Of It

Taylor Swift

Some sources are speculating Swift is dating her “Dr. Seuss’ The Lorax” costar The Lorax. The two have been seen together on numerous occasions.

Nashville, TN—Sources close to country music star Taylor Swift have confirmed rumors that her new relationship is going along very smoothly, and that Swift is laying low, waiting for when her new beau does something heinous and selfish so she can get another hit song out of his heartless actions.

The sources wouldn’t confirm who the newest love of Swift’s life is, only that it’s not Tim Tebow, that Swift and her man have been dating “pretty seriously” since early April and that he treats her like a princess.

And there’s the rub. “Unless he cheats on her, or dumps her unceremoniously or goes all Tiger Woods on her,” said one source, “Taylor has a tough time being able to write another ‘bad boyfriend’ song. Don’t get me wrong, she’s happy now, and that’s great and all, but she does have a career to think about.”
Continue reading

Poll: American Flag Pins Prove Citizenship

American Flag Pins

With American flag pins effectively implying citizenship they have become a hot commodity on the black market.

Washington, DC—In a recent non-scientific poll, 86% of Americans who responded said they believe that anyone wearing one of those little American flag pins is “in all likelihood” a natural born citizen of the U.S.

When also asked about the citizenship of President Obama, 95% of that 86% believe the President was not born in the U.S., with 79% responding he was most likely born in the “nation of Africa.”

“I’ve never seen Osama [Obama] wearin’ an American flag pin,” stated John Bithlo, 54, of Columbus, Texas. “And nobody I know has ever seen him wearing one. Tell me, why do you think that is?? I’ll tell you why, it ‘cuz he tweren’t born here!!”
Continue reading

TDQ Tech For The Week Of 5/28/12

The GrinderyThis week’s TDQ Tech brings you a Grindery piece about T-Mobile starting to strangle or throttle or something and a piece about the Facebook founder guy who got screwed by Zuck going off about getting screwed again.

Dude needs to chill out. We’d happily take .07% worth of Facebook. Of course, by the time you finished reading this sentence, that value has plummeted.

You are now technologically informed. Go and do likewise.

“I Find There Is Something Fascinating About Binary Code:” A TDQ Q&A With Actress And Model Veronika London, Part 2

Veronika London

Top Computer Scientists on The Daily Quarterly payroll have come up with their own translation of Veronika London's binary code tattoo.

TDQ: You were born in Mexico City but grew up in Toronto. We’ve thought for years that Canadian women are hands down the most beautiful women in the world. Is it the food? The climate? How is it that every single woman from Canada is so stunningly beautiful?

London: I was born in Mexico. I’m half Mexican and French. If anything I should thank my parents for having good genes. As far as the food and climate playing nice with my image- well… I’m not a fan of cold weather and boxing is my best friend in keeping me in shape. I feel the most random food craving all hours of the day or night- like blocks of cheese drenched in peanut butter and sticks of butter dipped in sugar. I’m also addicted to pizza with pineapple and loads of cheese and meat, meat, meat.  

TDQ: What project are you currently working on?

London: Wrapping up an Indie Film, “Lady of the Night” and will start shooting “The Big Smoke” later this month.  
Continue reading