Chicago—A new study has been released by the American Dental Association, and it looks like Ke$ha needs to re-evaluate her oral hygiene habits. Four out of five dentists asked don’t recommend brushing your teeth with Jack Daniels.

“Really, probably any liquor would not be good,” said Dr. Harvey Josephs, a dentist from St. Louis who didn’t participate in the study. “I have heard that vodka is sometimes used to brush your teeth. And I think that program ‘Mythbusters’ did a thing about that. But I don’t watch that show. But I would certainly recommend any of a number of toothpastes over liquor.”

What about if after you leave for the night you ain’t comin’ back?

“Well in that case,” Dr. Josephs said, “you may want to take along with you a travel toothbrush and toothpase, or perhaps a Colgate Wisp or similar product.”

Would carrying a Wisp make people feel sick and sexy-fied?

“I would think so, yes,” Dr. Josephs said. “But keep in mind that’s not my area of expertise. Plus, I believe that is a different Ke$ha song.”

Well played, Dr. Well played.

The ADA never releases the identities of the dentists it polls. But The Daily Quarterly, using its vast array of investigative tools at its disposal, has learned the name and office location of the infamous “Fifth Dentist.” We made an appointment with him to find out what his story is, and give him a chance to set the record straight: What on Earth would make him sign off on brushing your teeth with Jack Daniels?

Unfortunately, after waiting until nearly 4:30 for a 3:15 appointment and re-reading the August 2010 issue of Good Housekeeping, we had to get out of there. Had to get the six year-old to soccer practice.

Tick-tock, on the clock.