Pizza Pitcher Undergoes Season-Ending Tommy John Surgery

Tony Two Toss

Tony “Two-toss” Bothny demonstrating the less desirable "smooshin' it out with your hands" technique one might see in places like Chicago where Tony claims, "they do it all wrong."

Detroit, MI—The Detroit Free Press has announced that local pizzeria owner and nationally-known pizza pitcher Tony “Two-toss” Bothny has undergone Tommy John surgery. Two-toss, who last season tied the national record for tossing twenty pies in one hour-long food rush, said he felt the twinge late last week.

“It wasn’t like anything I ever felt” Tony told the Free Press. “I was just warming up for the lunch break crowd when it felt like my elbow collapsed. Felt like it was in a freakin’ vice!”

Two-toss’s ownership group is hastily searching for a replacement pitcher for the summer season. A statement made late last night mentioned recently retired pizza great Alfonse “Tootsie” Guidonopolis as a possible candidate to replace Two-toss. Continue reading

Shanghai Heaven: Jackie Chan Passes Away

The Late Jackie Chan

Jackie Chan was best known for his slapstick comedies. He played a mime that also knew karate in a deleted scene in the film RECOiL.

Various internet sources have reported that action movie star Jackie Chan has died. He was 56.

The internet sites quoted a source from a Los Angeles hospital who said Chan suffered a heart attack while promoting “Kung Fu Panda 2.”  The reports said his heavy schedule “was causing extreme stress and putting too much pressure on his heart.”

He was known and lauded for doing his own stunts. Many of his films would show blooper reels during the credits of his stunt attempts gone awry. 

President Barack Obama has issued a statement with his condolences and Viacom is planning a special memorial for Chan on Friday that will air on NBC, ABC, FOX, C-SPAN 2, Speed Channel and HGTV. CBS has issued a statement saying that due to a “decades-old feud between Chan and Katie Couric,” the network has no plans to discuss Chan’s untimely death.

Chan starred in such films as “Shanghai Noon,” Shanghai Knights,” “Rush Hour,” “RECOiL,” “Rush Hour 2,” and “Rush Hour 3.”

He was survived by his wife of 29 years, Lin Feng-jiao and their son.

Twitter contributed to this article

Exxon-Mobil To Buy Walmart. Or Maybe It’s The Other Way Around. Somebody Big Is Buying Somebody Else Big

Exxon-Mobile-WalMart Super TankerNew York—Wall Street was buzzing Monday over the announcement that either Exxon-Mobil is in talks to buy Walmart, or that Walmart is in talks to buy Exxon-Mobil. But shares jumped sharply for both companies, though they’ll likely change their name soon or do something else once one of them get bought out. Unless they decide to merge. But it’s a big deal.

“I was thrilled when this deal happened,” business analyst Trevor Watson of Moore-Dearing Investments said. “Didn’t it happen already? They didn’t buy out each other last year? Really? Who am I thinking of? Hang on. Sharon? Get me my Exxon-Mobil binder, please. Who am I- Huh…Well, I’ll be damned. I thought this was old news. But, yeah, yeah, it’s a big deal. Yes.” Continue reading

NBC Taps “Last Call With Carson Daly” For Another Season; Even Daly Didn’t Know The Show Was Still On

Carson Daly

Iconic. Visionary. Charismatic. Desirable. Thought provoking. These words are rarely used in connection with Carson Daly.

Insomniacs, rejoice! NBC announced that “Last Call With Carson Daly” has been renewed for an eleventh season, and even Carson Daly was surprised to learn that his show was still being aired.

“It’s on at 1:35 (ET) in the morning, I’ve been told,” Daly said. “But I mean, really, who the hell is up at that time? Nobody I know still is up that late.”

NBC said that “Last Call” is currently experiencing its highest-rated season yet, though that’s “mostly really just conjecture. Nielsen Ratings don’t really measure ratings that late at night. We’re pretty sure, though, that it’s been a good year for the program.”
Continue reading

Ya Gotta Be Freakin’ Kidding Me, A Freakin’ Cobra Escapes From The Bronx Zoo

Bronx Zoo's Cobra

The Bronx Zoo's Cobra seen taking in the sights before striking fear into the city of 19 million.

New York—A highly venomous Egyptian cobra has gone missing from New York’s Bronx Zoo, forcing the zoo to close its reptile house until further notice.

Zoo staff was made aware Saturday that the adolescent Egyptian cobra was missing from an enclosure attached to the reptile house, according to a statement from the zoo, and staff members immediately closed and secured the reptile house late Tuesday.

Zoo officials said they are “pretty sure, like 65% sure” that the 20-inch-long snake, named “Destro,” is “more than likely, probably contained in a nonpublic, isolated area” of the building. “We think.” Continue reading