Monthly Archives: February 2011

Gaddafi: “That Whole ‘Die As A Martyr’ Thing? I Was Kidding, Kidding!”

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Gaddafi Wear, Fall 2010

Libyan dictator Moammar Gaddafi, seen here presenting his lady bodyguard line "Gaddafi Wear" at Tripoli fashion week, is likely too busy to martyr himself, as he prepares his spring collection

Tripoli—Libyan President Moammar Gaddafi is distancing himself from defiant remarks he made earlier in the week regarding his country’s protests and calls for his ouster.

“When I said ‘I will not leave the country, and I will die as a martyr,’ I was just, how do you say, shooting the bull with my boys,” Gaddafi, 68, said in a statement released by his new information minister, Achmed “Skippy” Dabbashi. Continue reading →

Obama “Responds” To Deeders’ Accusations And Requests For Proof He Has Right To Live In The White House

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White House TV Room

Despite heckling from the Deeders opposition group the stage was set for President Obama to enjoy the Oscars from a White House sitting room specially equipped for the event. The 100 inch plasma has been called "too big for the room" by several world leaders. Others question why a more efficient LED TV wasn't selected, but the answer is simple. They just aren't available in that size.

Washington—Nearly a week after self-proclaimed “Deeders” announced they were filing a lawsuit that would force President Obama to produce legal documents proving he had a right to live in the White House, and several months after first attempting to force him to provide the documents, President Obama responded to the Deeders during the annual White House Oscar Party. Sort of.

“You won’t get me to say how ridiculous these idiots’ request is. I won’t do it,” Obama said. “I refuse to tell you how moronic and stupid it is for these jackasses to waste my time, your time, and the American public’s time. I won’t say it.”

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Ford To Government: “We Recalled The Trucks, Why Are You Hassling Us?! You’re Ruining Our Life!!”

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Ford Executive

Artists rendering of what went on in the closed door sessions between government officials and company executives.

WASHINGTON—Ford Motor Co. bowed down to those old fat-cats in the government and agreed to recall nearly 150,000 F-150 pickup trucks so they can fix air bags that could (“Or couldn’t!” Ford pointed out, repeatedly) deploy without warning. But that number is a fraction of the vehicles Uncle Sam said should be recalled and repaired.

“Fiiiiiine” Ford said and sighed as it agreed to the recall. It rolled its eyes and trudged over to its fax machine to send out the press release. Ford kept pushing the fax machine buttons loudly until the government told it to “lose that attitude, mister!”

The government told Ford they want it to recall 1.3 million F-150s from the 2004-2006 model years, or it won’t be able to go on the ski trip with its friends next weekend.

Ford advised the government that it’s being “totally unreasonable! No other government is making its automakers recall millions of cars!”

“We aren’t the governments overseeing those other automakers,” the government said. “We are your government and responsible for your safety the safety of cars you make.”

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Sticking Point in Cardinals/Pujols Contract Talks: Changing The Team Name

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The St. Louis Pujols

Could this be a sample St. Louis Pujols hat reportedly found in a local embroidery shop?

St. Louis—Sources close to the ongoing negotiations between the St. Louis Cardinals and their All-Star, future-Hall-of-Famer, best-player-in-the-game first baseman Albert Pujols have said that the biggest issue the two parties are trying to get past now is his demand that the team be re-christened “The St. Louis Pujols’.”

“He’s earned it,” said the source, on the condition of anonymity. “He’s the best player in the game; he’s clean, never tested positive for any PEDs (performance enhancing drugs), he’s a great presence in the community. Why would they let him walk over such a simple request?” Continue reading →

Mr. Belvedere Heading To The Big Screen? We Just Might Live The Good Life Yet.

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Daniel Craig

Daniel Craig could bring the action and adventure to the Mr. Belvedere character that the late actor Christopher Hewett could not.

Hollywood—Several sources close to the project have come out confirming that “Mr. Belvedere” will be coming to a theater near you sometime in 2012.

The sitcom, which starred Christopher Hewitt as the titular butler hired by the Owens family in Pennsylvania, ran on ABC from 1985 to 1990.

“Since the day we left the air, there has been talk of making a movie,” said Brice Beckham, who played Wesley Owens on the show. Continue reading →